Maintaining Calm in the Midst of Family Crisis

If you watched the news on television or read a newspaper last month, no doubt you know that TV journalist Tim Russert of Meet the Press died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 58. Based on the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s recent announcement that the average life expectancy is 78 years old for Americans, Mr. Russert’s life was clearly cut short.

Regardless of whether a loved one’s death was expected due to a chronic illness or sudden and unexpected, as was the case for Mr. Russert’s, families often find themselves in a state of shock and disbelief. Common questions include what to do next, how to begin dealing with the loss of a loved one, and what to do with a loved one’s personal belongings.

According to Rick Bauer of Caring Transitions St. Louis, “We find that when a death occurs family members often focus on the more practical tasks as the emotional issues can be quite difficult to face. Whether as a result of death or a struggle with realities of life such as disease or divorce, people often find themselves dealing with loss.”

“People grieving a loss and facing limited options often find comfort in being given choices and maintaining a sense of control,” said Bauer. He added, “At Caring Transitions, regardless of the situation, we encourage people to take charge of their future and give consideration to the many choices, difficult decisions and life transitions they are likely to experience over a lifetime.”

While most people hope that in times of crisis family members will come together and agree on what’s best, the reality is that family dynamics often introduce unexpected challenges.

“We find that people may not think clearly or act rationally. Peoples’ behaviors when stressed can bring out the worst at a time when everyone wants the best,” said Bauer.

Caring Transitions offers the following five suggestions to help families cope when in the midst of crisis:

1. Avoid Family Feuds – Disagreement on what’s best, what to do and who gets what can split families apart. Keep focus on the relationship. Don’t get caught up in the moment and let your emotions get the worst of you.
2. Be Realistic About Inheritance – While money divides easily, tangible items like a grand piano, grandfather clock, artwork, jewelry and other items do not. Many people now designate in their will their preferred disposition of personal belongings to help avoid conflict.
3. Consider Living Arrangements – Whether by choice or necessity, people often move because of retirement, functional decline or the death of a loved one. Having a plan and knowing a person’s preferred living arrangements can help expedite the transition and remove the uncertainty and guilt that often accompany change. This can be especially valuable during times of crisis when people second guess everything.
4. Engage Others in Difficult Decisions – People are different and what engages one person may not interest another. It is helpful to communicate and relate to a person in a way that he or she is most likely to find appealing. People tend to engage in one of three ways: the head – logical; heart – emotional; and help – based on necessity. Consider the person’s personality and the situation and engage them accordingly.
5. Identify Limitations – People often face functional or cognitive limitations that make life more challenging. When it comes to moving and facing other difficult decisions, consider what matters most in order to make a smooth transitions.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

In addition to being a famous line from William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Parting is such sweet sorrow” it is also how many people sum up their experience when they decide to part with years of accumulated treasures. According to Rick Bauer, of Caring Transitions St. Louis, “Parting with personal belonging is often a bittersweet experience. Most people know they eventually need to cut back on their personal belongings, the challenge often is how to start and complete the process.”

If someone were to challenge you to part with 10% of your personal belongings how would you react? What if the challenge was 50%? Chances are some people may consider the challenge a welcomed opportunity to sift through, and get rid of things they have not recently used or used in years. Others might be frantic about the idea of parting with personal belongings they might need someday.

At certain stages of life, such as empty nesters choosing to downsize, or people moving to a retirement community, assisted living or nursing home, they are often faced with many difficult decisions such as which personal belonging to keep and which to part with.

When it comes to making a change in living arrangements, what often holds people back from making the transition and enjoying the new, often more carefree lifestyle, is parting with their personal belongings. Some people even experience an uneasy feeling or anxiety as they have an emotional attachment to their possessions.

“At Caring Transitions, we occasionally hear from our clients that the traditional moving process is rather cold and uncaring,” said Bauer. “People’s belongings have significance and stories behind them. For many people it’s not as easy as take this, ship the clock to Aunt Betty, and sell the golf clubs. People often need time and reassurance that they are making the right choices.

For others, they may have accumulated personal belongings over the years and may not know exactly what they might have in the many boxes and storage areas. As a result, the fear of accidently getting rid of something important, or which they might need one day, can paralyze them.

At Caring Transitions, we find that people make different choices based on their values, beliefs and even based on the urgency or speed at which they need to accomplish a move. Some of the more common approaches to parting with personal belongings include:
· In and Out - For everything new a person brings into the home, he or she must get rid of two similar sized items.
· Lack of Need - If you have not used or enjoyed something for over one year, you don’t need it and it is time to get rid of it.
· Replacement – Moving is an opportune time to treat yourself to things that are new. From the TV set, living room furniture, dishes and kitchen appliances, and more, purchasing new can help ensure a consistent style and that everything fits in the designated spaces.
· Legacy – Maybe it’s time to let others enjoy items that have meant so much to you over the years. People who give personal belongings to other often find tremendous satisfaction in giving and joy in seeing how others respond.

People often focus on the physical aspects of moving and by doing so overlook the emotional side. At Caring Transitions, we take great pride in helping people make informed decisions, sharing in fullness of the experience, and feeling good about their choices.

After all, it is not just a move, it is a caring transition. We support our clients as though we are an extension of their family,” said Bauer.