Maintaining Calm in the Midst of Family Crisis

If you watched the news on television or read a newspaper last month, no doubt you know that TV journalist Tim Russert of Meet the Press died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 58. Based on the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s recent announcement that the average life expectancy is 78 years old for Americans, Mr. Russert’s life was clearly cut short.

Regardless of whether a loved one’s death was expected due to a chronic illness or sudden and unexpected, as was the case for Mr. Russert’s, families often find themselves in a state of shock and disbelief. Common questions include what to do next, how to begin dealing with the loss of a loved one, and what to do with a loved one’s personal belongings.

According to Rick Bauer of Caring Transitions St. Louis, “We find that when a death occurs family members often focus on the more practical tasks as the emotional issues can be quite difficult to face. Whether as a result of death or a struggle with realities of life such as disease or divorce, people often find themselves dealing with loss.”

“People grieving a loss and facing limited options often find comfort in being given choices and maintaining a sense of control,” said Bauer. He added, “At Caring Transitions, regardless of the situation, we encourage people to take charge of their future and give consideration to the many choices, difficult decisions and life transitions they are likely to experience over a lifetime.”

While most people hope that in times of crisis family members will come together and agree on what’s best, the reality is that family dynamics often introduce unexpected challenges.

“We find that people may not think clearly or act rationally. Peoples’ behaviors when stressed can bring out the worst at a time when everyone wants the best,” said Bauer.

Caring Transitions offers the following five suggestions to help families cope when in the midst of crisis:

1. Avoid Family Feuds – Disagreement on what’s best, what to do and who gets what can split families apart. Keep focus on the relationship. Don’t get caught up in the moment and let your emotions get the worst of you.
2. Be Realistic About Inheritance – While money divides easily, tangible items like a grand piano, grandfather clock, artwork, jewelry and other items do not. Many people now designate in their will their preferred disposition of personal belongings to help avoid conflict.
3. Consider Living Arrangements – Whether by choice or necessity, people often move because of retirement, functional decline or the death of a loved one. Having a plan and knowing a person’s preferred living arrangements can help expedite the transition and remove the uncertainty and guilt that often accompany change. This can be especially valuable during times of crisis when people second guess everything.
4. Engage Others in Difficult Decisions – People are different and what engages one person may not interest another. It is helpful to communicate and relate to a person in a way that he or she is most likely to find appealing. People tend to engage in one of three ways: the head – logical; heart – emotional; and help – based on necessity. Consider the person’s personality and the situation and engage them accordingly.
5. Identify Limitations – People often face functional or cognitive limitations that make life more challenging. When it comes to moving and facing other difficult decisions, consider what matters most in order to make a smooth transitions.